When you wake up in the morning exhausted/fatigued even though you have had 12 hours sleep, and your whole body hurts, hips to knees is the worst in agony and everyday, you look in the bathroom mirror and put in your game face on ( you know the one I mean the one that says to the world oh yeah I’m fine, nothing to see here)
When all you really want to do is crawl back into bed as you are in agony and even the thought of going downstairs is scary as your legs don’t move properly and that’s on a good day, going downstairs on a bad day you don’t even walk cause you can’t put one leg in front the other so you sit on the stairs and work your way down them.
A night ( well 5pm, when you have finished wfh on your dining table, which gives a sense of normality, if I didn’t have work to do I wouldn’t even get up, and I think I would have given up by now) you crawl /walk one step at a time upstairs have a shower and when it’s just you at home get into bed at 5.15 with no dinner, even if you do make it back downstairs after the shower you can’t stand and cook, even the thought of it wears you out.
And your still in agony, and exhausted/fatigued just it’s more intense now as you have had to concentrate and to move around all day you was up, ( don’t do stairs after 11am , cause if I did i would be even worse) now your legs even hurt just to touch, if I’m lucky I got downstairs after a shower and sit down unti 6.30-7.15 then come to bed, prob wake up around 1am as I did tonight, and yep everything still hurts so more painkillers and go back to sleep 💤 until it all starts again tomorrow, long covid now for 16 months like this, this is not living.
Hey but people will say you had a weekend away looks like you enjoyed it and was up late and did loads. Yes I was up late as with LC you get insomnia ( due to pain) so it’s easy yiu don’t take you sleeping tablets, it was all on one level , my room was close to the room where everything was happening, they didn’t mind how slow I was, yes the game face still went on
Why did you go if your that bad, I hear you say ( if you got this far) because I wanted to feel like me and yes whilst I was there in the company of everyone else I did feel like me albeit with the pain and all the above, but I did feel like I saw a glimpse of the old me, who I really miss, the Neurologist I saw isn’t sure what’s happening with my legs, but there’s definitely something not right well not sure where the nerve damage is my spine or is it a break down of communication between my brain and legs , oh well wait fir the MRI, oh yeah that will be another 3 months then won’t it. The Chronic Fatigue people are trying to help me with the exhaustion/ fatigue, I could sleep for a while month and still wake up exhaustion but there’s no pattern to it atall.
I want the old me back the one that laughed and smiled all the time, that raced around, that would shop for 6 hours until that friend found the perfect outfit, the one that went out met friends had dinner out all the time, went for drinks, the one that walked around Tokyo and was like a 5 year old when she went to hotel Gracery and saw the Godzilla statue, the mad one…. Where did she go…,
Ok painkillers taken, let’s see what tomorrow brings shall we.
Paws for Thought 